While scrolling through Facebook today, I came across an ad for a church called “Refuge Church.” Living in the south, I tend to get a lot of these kinds of ads, and sometimes I end up visiting the church website to see if I find anything interesting.

This time, I did.

I came across a 5-part sermon series about dysfunctional families. (Click here to see the original video.) Naturally, as an unmarried, childless college student, I had to watch.

Here are my thoughts on some of the things the pastor said in Part 1.

Disclaimer: While I’m okay with people believing in God if they aren’t actively hurting other people, I’m not okay with people essentially telling others, “If you don’t believe in my version of God and do exactly what I do, you aren’t a real Christian.”

1. “The words in Deuteronomy still hold true to you and I today.”

This is a prime example of picking and choosing. While there are SOME things in Deuteronomy that could be attributed to today, there are plenty of commands that are not in effect today.

For example, in Deuteronomy 7.2, God instructs the Israelites to basically murder anyone they come into contact with that isn’t an Israelite.

2. “The primary dysfunction of families is that they do not put God first.”

This is honestly infuriating, because it is so obviously false. Of course there is going to be dysfunction in some families, but it is often due to a lot of complex factors, rather than “not putting God first.”

These factors include: alcohol and other drugs, behaviors associated with aggression and violence against members of a family, juvenile delinquency and adult self-destructive behavior, family breakdown, narrowed emotional relationship in the family, the pathological behavior of parents. (Anna Kieszkowska)
K

Notice that none of these are god-related.

The pastor also says that “the greatest dysfunction we have as families is not putting God in our life – he’s an afterthought.” However, research shows that the most common family dysfunction is addiction.

In fact, Brown University Psychologists describe a common dysfunction: “one or both parents exert a strong authoritarian control over the children. Often these families rigidly adhere to a particular belief (religious, political, financial, personal). Compliance with role expectations and with rules is expected without any flexibility.” Seems a bit ironic.

3. “How can we overcome this factor, making us functional?”

The pastor says that the first thing anyone has to do to become a functional family is to love God.

Being a family is complex; there’s no one right way to do it. Church was not really a super big deal in my family. We went most weeks, but my family was generally relaxed about religion. We weren’t dysfunctional, though.

There can be families out there that struggle with addiction, abuse, etc., that identify with and practice Christianity. There are families that don’t struggle with those issues and are Christian, Muslim, atheists, and any other religion or non-religion.

Religion has nothing to do with whether a family is functional or not.

4. “It was the expectation when I was younger to go to church, not an option.”

Here’s my issue with this. It SHOULD be an option. People should be able to make their own decisions regarding religions. The pastor at Refuge Church encourages parents to “expect” their children and teens to go to church. He doesn’t want them to decide for themselves.

This is not healthy.

No one should be forced to believe anything. You can raise a kid to be Christian, but you should NEVER force a kid to ascribe to your religion.

5. “Grab a Children’s Bible and read them the stories until they can tell you the stories back.”

Indoctrinating kids is NOT okay. Teaching kids about your religion is fine by me, as long as you aren’t hurting anyone. But drilling something that discourages critical thinking, such as fundamental religion, into their heads isn’t good.

The rest of the video had more content that I understood: giving explanations for things rather than saying “God said so,” and leading by example.

Overall though, I thought the pastor at Refuge Church had good intentions with this sermon; however, some of the messages were not great.

It is never okay to force your beliefs on someone, especially if they’re too young to know that there are other options and ways of thinking.

It’s also not okay to spread false information. Saying a family is dysfunctional because they don’t worship your specific god is not okay. It diminishes real families who are actually struggling and causes distress in families that aren’t.

You don’t need a god to live a fulfilling, happy, life.

You don’t need a god to have a functional relationship or family.

God is not a requirement.

You are still good.

Sources:
https://www.findrefugehere.com/?wix-vod-video-id=863c7b9aa9b44440b295da7d89685441&wix-vod-comp-id=comp-jmjzso1x#

http://cejsh.icm.edu.pl/cejsh/element/bwmeta1.element.desklight-55a92456-b4a4-45f4-a4e5-f460f14a1f68 

https://www.brown.edu/campus-life/support/counseling-and-psychological-services/index.php?q=dysfunctional-family-relationships